Don't visit your Congressman

Kristi said she might visit her U.S. Representative during an upcoming visit to Washington, D.C.

I said that’s a bad idea.

Politicians go to Washington to get AWAY from their constituents.

Neighbors driving you crazy? Run for U.S. House.

If elected, you'll get to hang out with other people who can't stand their districts, either.

The only reason they vote themselves pay raises is to avoid moving back home.

All this discussion about bombing Syria or not is just for show -- they really want to bomb their old neighborhoods.

Unfortunately, in several districts, local investigative journalists have shown that the alleged "chemical weapons" were merely fogging devices for mosquito control.

Today's Foote Daily

The difference between corporations and governments

Corporations bilk people; governments execute people.

Free your mind, and the rest will follow?

The Center for Cognitive Liberty & Ethics certainly looks interesting.

Sanctioning or prohibiting, it's a wash

Seeking government sanction is just as wrongheaded as seeking government prohibition. In both cases, government is making the decision, instead of the individual.

Send the Federal Government on a beer run

Give the Federal Government $20 and send it on a beer run.

It will return with about $10 worth of cheap beer.

And there will be almost enough for everyone.

The Federal Government will need just $20 more to make another beer run, just to make sure everyone has enough.

And then it will return with about $9 worth of cheap beer.

McCain-Palin Campaign On Hurricane Gustav Aftermath

ST. PAUL (BS) -- In a Saturday preview of their campaign, Sen. John McCain and his running mate Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin tried to head-off the Democratic presidential ticket with vows to help anyone struck by incoming Hurricane Gustav.

"Our opponents will promise to shovel millions of federal dollars to you, the future victims of Hurricane Gustav," McCain said.

"But I will come down there and shovel debris from your yard," he said.

"And look at Gov. Palin over there. Now there's a woman who can clean a house."

The Palin-cleaning-house comment caused an immediate surge in approval ratings among evangelicals.

-Colin Foote Burch, who fabricated everything above

What beer do you think Barak Obama drinks?

Results from the officially unscientific Malty Hops poll question, What beer do you think Barak Obama would drink?

25 percent said Amstel Light

25 percent said Budweiser

25 percent said Samuel Adams

25 percent said Miller Light

The other options available in the poll were: "Heineken: and "No beer; probably wine."

Thanks for playing!

What Mitt Romney should have said

Here's the speech Mitt Romney should have given regarding his Mormon beliefs:

Good morning, and thanks for coming out today.

I've been encouraged to suggest a comparison between myself and John F. Kennedy, our first Catholic president.

After all, many Americans wondered what it would mean to have a Catholic president, just as many Americans today are concerned about the implications of having me as their first Mormon president.

I am not, however, going to take that approach today.

I'm simply going to point out what happened the last time we elected a born-again Baptist president.

Remember the hostages in Iran?

How about very long lines at the gas pump?

So if you think evangelical beliefs are so important, ask yourself: What was so great about Jimmy Carter?

Excuse me, I'm going to sneeze -- muh... muh... muh... MikeHuckabee!

Pardon me. Please rest assured that I am an American as well as a Mormon, and I will always do what is in the best interests of our nation.

Thank you, and may God bless America.

CNN: Fred Thompson rolls across 'the conservative Iowa countryside'

What makes a countryside conservative?

Apparently CNN's John King knows, although he didn't tell us.

On tonight's Situation Room with Wolf Blitzer, King had a RARE ON-THE-BUS INTERVIEW (according to the bottom of the screen) with Fred Thompson, the former Law & Order star and former U.S. senator who recently announced he is running for president.

"Wolf, national security dominated our discussion as the bus rolled across the conservative Iowa countryside," King said.

After much sweat and tears within our research department, we discovered that the Iowa countryside has not voted in a single election since white people started taking over the fruited plain. Earlier data is not available.

Attempts to contact the Iowa countryside via telephone were not immediately successful.

-Colin Burch