The New Suburban Glossary: Premature Acceleration

premature acceleration: This typically happens when a driver is too eager. The left-turn traffic light turns green, yet the driver in the straight-ahead lane lurches forward while his light is still red. If another driver sees this, but she is kind, nurturing, and just happy to close to another driver, she might act like she didn't notice the premature acceleration. But alas, once the driver has lurched forward, it is kind of hard for him to act as though nothing happened. Fortunately, researchers are studying new ways for drivers to avoid premature acceleration.



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McCain-Palin Campaign On Hurricane Gustav Aftermath

ST. PAUL (BS) -- In a Saturday preview of their campaign, Sen. John McCain and his running mate Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin tried to head-off the Democratic presidential ticket with vows to help anyone struck by incoming Hurricane Gustav.

"Our opponents will promise to shovel millions of federal dollars to you, the future victims of Hurricane Gustav," McCain said.

"But I will come down there and shovel debris from your yard," he said.

"And look at Gov. Palin over there. Now there's a woman who can clean a house."

The Palin-cleaning-house comment caused an immediate surge in approval ratings among evangelicals.

-Colin Foote Burch, who fabricated everything above