Interesting graphs to save

 
 

New Suburban Glossary: wishwasher

wishwasher n. -- usually a spouse, sometimes a sibling or family member, who sanitizes your wishes or desires with his or her own purposes. Your plans get cleaned up for his or her presentation. For example, he says, "I think I'll go to the movies tonight." Then she says, "What a great idea! We could go to dinner first, and invite my parents!" For another example, "His wishwasher was loaded with the death of her dreams." And yet another example: "Dude, our plan to follow Rush across the Midwest this summer just went through Cindy's wishwasher. Now both of our families are coming along with us, and we're only seeing Rush in St. Louis and Chicago while our wives take the kids to the zoo and the monuments and the giant shopping malls and basically make this trip cost ten times what it was supposed to."

Greatish Hits, Part Two

Red Pill or Blue Pill or new berry-flavored Purple Pill with a patented blend of truth and denial?

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) July 27, 2014

Tourist? Drunk driver? Brat? What a joy to discover at 1 a.m. -- the neighbor's bin smashed into my mailbox. #MYR http://t.co/0BLKKjwtNQ

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) July 21, 2014

David Gregory's interview with Iranian foreign minister reveals the "International Community" is merely a group of Special Nations. #mtp

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) July 13, 2014

If you start a company you forfeit your personal convictions AND you must pay for the opposite, says @thedailybeast: http://t.co/eVugak4KdY

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) July 2, 2014

Any prescription is a governmental barrier between a woman and her health care. #anarchism #HobbyLobby

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) July 2, 2014

BLAME CONGRESS! "Congress...included corporations within RFRA’s definition of 'persons.'" - Justice Alito http://t.co/z633OjjWDe #HobbyLobby

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) July 1, 2014

I tell ya, caring about words and their meanings is a fast track to being politically incorrrect. Damn it.

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) June 30, 2014

Kochs & Waltons now so heinous, journalists granted permission to use ad hominem constructions against super rich. Envy v. Greed, again.

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) June 30, 2014

There's nothing like a grand old house and a perfect lawn. Too bad I'm trespassing. #MYR #ImpromptuHouseSitting http://t.co/doUHOAfQ83

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) June 26, 2014

"A third of African-American males are still prevented from voting because of the War on Drugs." -- Rand Paul @NBCNews #mtp #tlot

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) June 22, 2014

Sometimes people cry "cuts" in funding when a planned increase in funding is stopped and often "preventing" actually means "not paying for."

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) July 1, 2014

Um, and the news is what exactly? "Sex makes people happiest, per new study" http://t.co/pl4JyuJ76y #paperli #news #sex

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) November 17, 2013

Check out the presentation on this Ketel One on the rocks with lime at Ruth's Chris in #MYR . pic.twitter.com/WQTYwOlV8G

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) April 13, 2013

Demonize any Congressman or Senator who has served three or more terms. They are the reason we're in this mess. #CNN #DC #jackasses

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) February 23, 2013

Merkel for US Congress. She has balls. DC doesn't. RT @Reuters: Hollande may lose euro battle as Merkel holds firm http://t.co/glkMNy8I

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) June 24, 2012

Having dizzy spells: On #CNN, Washington Post's Dan Balz said something I agree with. I might need to go to the ER.

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) April 15, 2012

Greatish Hits

BREAKING: Hobby Lobby won't pay for 2 other Women's Health necessities: food & water. Death looms for female workers at Companies Of Faith.

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) July 13, 2014

Any prescription is a governmental barrier between a woman and her health care. #anarchism #HobbyLobby

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) July 2, 2014

Drug cartels helped create our immigration crisis. What helps cartels? Our drug laws & underground market. I won't use but I would legalize.

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) July 7, 2014

I'd like to celebrate my Independence from warrantless eavesdropping. #July4th #USA

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) July 4, 2014

Once surveillance technology is in place, legal rulings are just public words against clandestine power. #NSA #surveillance

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) July 2, 2014

"Reactionary Freudianism" insists utterance A always indicates disposition B. But even Freud wasn't that Freudian. "Sometimes a cigar is..."

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) July 1, 2014

BTW, last night, @NBCNews suggested Amazon treats employees worse than Wal Mart. Now that scews up the suburban liberal narrative!

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) June 30, 2014

The #IRS people are incredibly arrogant at a time when they ought to be groveling & begging for their jobs. @Morning_Joe

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) June 23, 2014

Delete the word "potential" from all future episodes of #RisingStar. Thank you.

— Colin Foote Burch (@cfburch4) June 23, 2014

New Suburban Glossary: Lawngoer

lawngoer: a pet, esp. a dog, who prefers squatting on the neighbors' lawns rather than on the grass between the sidewalk and the curb, or on other essentially public green spaces. E.g., "Son, if you hadn't let your dog become such a lawngoer, his hide wouldn't be full of buckshot."



5 Books to Read Before College

The New Suburban Glossary: Enail

enail: (1) An email message of an especially sharp and direct nature, usually critiquing or denouncing the recipient or recipient's behavior. For example, "When Georgia-Anne saw me eating lunch with Samantha, she sent me the mother of all enails." (2) Any electronic message that stabs, gouges, slashes or scratches. For example, "That wasn't a bad text message, dude. That was a freakin' enail."



5 Books to Read Before College

My brush with near fame

As you can see, I'm in 5th place

Harvey Silverglate of FIRE explains the 'corrosive' attitudes against free speech at Harvard and other colleges

Yes! Explained in 43 seconds! 'Politics makes us worse. Find out why.'

Libertarian!

Poem

This poem first was published online in the Winter 2012 edition of New Mirage Journal, but unfortunately for me, the site appears to have gone away. So, I'll post it here, with one edit: "glittering" originally was "glittered."

 

Regarding Joy and Grace

By Colin Foote Burch

Spinning, apropos or no,
Grooving on glittering club floors
Or shimmying on scorched highway medians:

You will be like the sunflower
Willfully set in the crack
Of the dirty city sidewalk,

Grateful the dark lattice dome crumbled
And now we have sky --
Blue, unbounded sky.

'Sudden Fiction: American Short-Short Stories' -- a Goodreads review

Sudden Fiction: American Short-Short Stories by Robert Shapard

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


I found gems in this collection, like Stuart Dybek's "Sunday at the Zoo," which takes barely a page to accomplish craziness, desperation, and hilarity.

Raymond Carver's "Popular Mechanics" flares up and chars the imagination in little more than a page and a half.

In the Afterwords sections, I also found several insights into the short-short story from Dybek, Tobias Wolff, Joyce Carol Oates, Paul Theroux, Russell Banks, Mark Strand, and several others.

For example, in one of the Afterwords, Joe David Bellamy writes, "Compression and concision have always been part of the aesthetic of the American short story form. Some writers, perhaps spurred on by information overload of our time, began to experiment with just how far these values could be pushed without losing the minimum weight needed for a memorable dramatic statement."

Fred Chappel writes, "Unease, whether humorous or sad, is the effect the short-short aims at."

Charles Baxter: "It's a test of the reader's ability to fly, using minimal materials."

Baxter again: "It's not that people don't have attention spans. They just don't believe in the future, and they're tired of information."





View all my reviews

'Field Guide to Writing Flash Fiction' -- a Goodreads review

The Rose Metal Press Field Guide to Writing Flash Fiction: Tips from Editors, Teachers, and Writers in the Field by Tara L. Masih

My rating: 5 of 5 stars


The intro surprised me by establishing the historical and critical validity of "flash fiction." After all, acclaimed writers who've ducked under 1,000 words to tell a tale include Ernest Hemingway, Donald Barthelme, O. Henry, Jayne Anne Phillips, Jorge Luis Borges, Joyce Carol Oates, Raymond Carver, Ambrose Bierce, Sherwood Anderson, Ron Carlson, Stuart Dybek, and many more. This book has 25 craft essays paired with 25 examples of flash fiction. It makes a heck of an intro as well as a short master class.



View all my reviews

N.C. State Wolfpack basketball

The #Wolfpack together as one unit #Packpractice #picsfrompractice pic.twitter.com/9Zj65aI1aJ

— NC State MensBball (@PackMensBball) October 3, 2013

44

Agent 44 usually met Maxwell Smart in odd places.

“…this is a .44 magnum, the most powerful handgun in the world…”

+44 is a band formed by two members of Blink-182.

Barack Obama is the 44^th President of the United States.

In baseball, 44 is the retired number for Hank Aaron and Reggie Jackson.

44 is the retired number for football players Floyd Little and Pete Retzlaff.

The international direct dial code for the United Kingdom is 44.

The 44^th state to join the union was Wyoming.

There are 44 candles in a box of Hanukkah candles.

44 is the atomic number for ruthenium.

And today, I'm 44.

Don't visit your Congressman

Kristi said she might visit her U.S. Representative during an upcoming visit to Washington, D.C.

I said that’s a bad idea.

Politicians go to Washington to get AWAY from their constituents.

Neighbors driving you crazy? Run for U.S. House.

If elected, you'll get to hang out with other people who can't stand their districts, either.

The only reason they vote themselves pay raises is to avoid moving back home.

All this discussion about bombing Syria or not is just for show -- they really want to bomb their old neighborhoods.

Unfortunately, in several districts, local investigative journalists have shown that the alleged "chemical weapons" were merely fogging devices for mosquito control.

'Today I stole a back massage' -- short short fiction

Today I stole a back massage.

It was a smash-and-grab operation.

Around lunch time, I went to the Massage Therapy Center at the corner of my street and the highway.

I punched the window. The glass smashed, just as I had planned.

I grabbed the first massage lady I saw, according to plan.

Lucky for me, I picked a room with a small massage lady.

As the last of the glass tinkled to the floor, I heard New Age music and snoring. The massage lady's client remained stagnant, face-down on the massage table, with more hair on his back than all the candles in Christendom could wax.

I slung the massage lady onto my back. I hooked my hands under her knees, and I ran down the uneven dirt on the side of the street.

"I know it's a bit bumpy," I said over my shoulder. "But I still expect quality service."

She didn't seem to speak English, so I don't know what she was screaming.

I was lucky a second time: Her hands were still slick with the oil she was using on her client, who I imagined would be late returning to work because no one was there to wake him.

I almost stumbled on a chunk of asphalt, but the massage lady's hands only popped from my trapezoid muscles for a split second. The massage lady, although screaming, was providing quality service.

I heard sirens, probably three blocks away.

"OK," I said. "It's time to ditch you. I've been watching the evening news very closely. Most thieves toss pocketbooks and wallets into dumpsters. Do you know where there's a dumpster around here?"

The massage lady was no longer screaming. She was yelling at me, quite angrily, as she kneaded my shoulders, but I didn't know her language.

"Look," I said. "I realize most massage ladies are more valuable than pocketbooks and wallets. So I'll tell you what. Here."

I walked over to a large pickup truck in the liquor store parking lot, turned, and backed toward the hood. Her knuckles hastened between my shoulder blades, trying to complete at least part of her quality service.

With a little shrug, my stolen massage was off my back, sitting on the hood of a pickup truck.

"You might want to get down from there," I said. "The truck's owner might suppose someone left him a gift massage."

At that point, the sirens were probably a block away. So I wiped my fingerprints off the backs of her knees and ran.

She yelled something at my back, but she wasn't yelling English. I bet the local cops don't know her language, either.

You know what? My neck and shoulders have never felt better. But my legs sure are sore.

Around the web: 

Woody Allen might return to standup comedy, so let's dust-off two of his old books

Fewer Americans search Bing for 'how to have sex'

Calvin and Hobbes documentary, 'Dear Mr. Watterson,' due in November

A 'Calvin & Hobbes' documentary; fewer Americans search Bing for 'how to have sex'; & Woody Allen's possible return to stand-up prompts a look at his books

Where would you be without Calvin and Hobbes, the comic strip? Where would I be? A soon-to-be-released documentary appears to be answering just those questions. See the trailer here.

It's amazing what keyword research reveals, especially about the fluctuations in trends. And on Bing, fewer Americans are searching for "how to have sex." See how that phrase is compared and contrasted with other keywords.

The release of Woody Allen's new movie, Blue Jasmine, has been an opportunity for interviews, and at least one interview allows that the writer-director might get back to his stand-up comedy. Read about it here -- and read two excerpts from books Allen wrote during his stand-up days.

A 'Calvin and Hobbes' documentary; fewer Americans search Bing for 'how to have sex'; and Woody Allen might return to stand-up comedy?

Where would you be without Calvin and Hobbes, the comic strip? Where would I be? A soon-to-be-released documentary appears to be answering just those questions. See the trailer here.

It's amazing what keyword research reveals, especially about the fluctuations in trends. And on Bing, fewer Americans are searching for "how to have sex." See how that phrase is compared and contrasted with other keywords.

The release of Woody Allen's new movie, Blue Jasmine, has been an opportunity for interviews, and at least one interview allows that the writer-director might get back to his stand-up comedy. Read about it here -- and read two excerpts from books Allen wrote during his stand-up days.

Like punk music? Download an entire album, free

Dagger Sight Records has released a FREE compilation album. Get the free download HERE.